Bad Dates of Today

So, for a while, I thought I was safe. I changed phones, so no more crazy texts. (Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t change phones because of him - I actually needed a new phone.) I blocked him on AIM, and he didn’t bother me on the site.

So to my surprise, I went on my page and saw that he sent me some messages on SEPTEMBER 11TH. Yes, what a great day for this sort of chaos to occur.

The first of the messages had the subject line “WTF” and said “You must not like me anymore. :)”
When did I ever say I liked him? I believe those words never passed my lips.

Right after that, he sent me another message that said “J/k” and said “How are you?”

Now… I’m a sarcastic girl. I’m also nice. And these two sides were fighting with each other. I had absolutely no idea what to say. I wanted to rip him a new asshole and be completely rude. I wanted to be kind and not ignore him again. But I didn’t want to lead him on, either.

So again, I did nothing.

And… lo and behold, I get a new message. AGAIN. Today.

The subject line?
“SHALLOW”
And the message?
“you must be pretty very very disgusted with me, screw OKC”

Um okay.
a. That is not even a sentence I don’t even-
b. I was never shallow with him. In fact, frankly, I’m one of the least shallow people you’ll ever meet.
c. I want to laugh because this is so ridiculous
d. I still feel like a bitch.

SO AS OF NOW, THAT IS THE PENNSYLTUCKEYVANIA SAGA.

Here’s a huge hint that you’re not a winner - 

Getting drunk and hitting on women via FACEBOOK CHAT.

Seriously? 

Telling me you want naked pictures, and then calling me a child because I say no? Yeah, that’s really charming.

So I was browsing around on Yahoo! today, and came across an article about “habits you can reform”. They broke it down into three categories - forgive and forget, fix him up by toning him down, and abandon ship.

I thought the abandon ship ones were particularly (and surprisingly) accurate, so I’m going to list them here as well.

• He’s rude to people he doesn’t know.
• He always has to be right.
• He’s immature for his age.
• He belittles you in front of people.
• He’s jealous of your friendships.

Being rude in general doesn’t help ANYONE. It doesn’t matter if you know them or not. It’s such a disgusting feature in a person.

Also, always being right. I dealt with this in my last two relationships, as well as in many of my friendships today, and it can be exhausting. It’s pretty much like dealing with an infant, only the smells are more disgusting. 

Immaturity in the right doses is okay. Everyone has their moments. But being an immature person is bad. You most likely won’t have any ambitions past being able to buy a dinner for a chick that you hope to bang. But then you’ll realize that she won’t want to bang you if you’re 30 and still live in your mom’s basement, so you’ll spend that money on a video game or a car payment instead.

Why would you belittle your boy/girlfriend? Do you really think that’ll make you look more appealing? Even masochists would be like “Fuck that shit” and run for the hills.

And the only reasons I can see a person being jealous of friendships is because a. you have few/no friendships or b. you think that everyone wants your lover. Guess what? Get some more friends, and realize that not everyone wants to jump in his pants/down her dress. 

Jeez, man. People are dumb.

To anyone that wants to read the article, here’s the link.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5994&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=688123

So, as some of you may or may not know, I am a member of a certain dating site. Now, I’ve had mixed experiences with this site - I’ve always had good experiences finding friends, but never have I ever had a good DATE from that place. Now, what’s that about?

I shall start this blog off with my most recent experience - Pennsyltuckeyvania. I think that says enough for itself.

I started talking to this guy on the website. It was a fairly brief conversation, and it was immediately a smidge awkward - mostly when he tried to compare us to Jon and Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8. He seemed a little nosy, and a tad forward (asking if I was interested in being roommates? Ummmm…) before he signed off. We exchanged screennames, whatever.

So we talked on and off for a little bit. Nothing incredibly interesting. We talked of ourselves. No big deal.

Now… when I conduct this sort of dating business via the internet, I’m very careful. After all, I’d rather not get stabbed and die. I always make sure to tell someone where I’m going and when, number(s) where I can be reached, etc. Usually I wait until at LEAST a month of talking to someone before I agree to meet him.

However, I was feeling daring. I was depressed, and I figured a little bit of adventure in life would help, right?

Ugh. Why did I think that was a good idea?

So, I ask to meet up with him.

However, there was a problem.

I don’t drive. Not only can I not afford to, but in general I find the idea of driving less than appealing - it helps to slowly kill the environment, and I do not feel comfortable behind the wheel of a machine that could easily take the life of a human being. Frankly, I think that’s understandable.

He couldn’t drive either. He lives an hour away. So how are we supposed to meet up? There’s no trains in his area of Bumblefuck!

He asks me to ask a friend to drive me up there.

Now… There’s a strike right there. Unless you offer to bring a friend too, this has gone from date to a hangout, right? But of course, he doesn’t even offer that.

I ask one of my best friends, who I will call Dustin, to come along. Now, he owed me after I went with HIM on an outing so he could meet a girl from New Jersey (who turned out to be an awful bitch, ugh). So he easily agreed to help out. 

The venue of the date changed twice. At first, he wanted us to accompany him to a party that his sister was throwing - (again, another strike - not only are you having me meet FAMILY on our first outing, it’s at a party?), but then there was apparently a bit of a fight in the family, so he changed it to a mall instead. 

Oh joy. Let’s drive an hour to go on an outing to a mall. I feel like I’m twelve again.

However, I reluctantly agreed.

I cancelled once at a point, because I was feeling rather apprehensive about the entire thing. But, at Dustin’s insistence, I rescheduled instead. (Dustin, you’re going to get your BALLS cut off for this.) 

Since we were going to a mall, I decided to just wear a simple t-shirt/jeans combination (I was questioned about why I hadn’t dressed “girly” by Dustin’s mother, but after I told her my reasoning and that I had little to no expectations about this date, she seemed to understand). We put the address of Pennsyltuckeyvania’s house into the GPS, and we were on our way.

We started to feel more and more uncomfortable as we headed into the heart of Bumblefuck. As a city girl, I was almost offended at the great amount of trees, and lack of buildings. And Dustin didn’t seem to be too keen about it, either. Not that I HATE nature - nature just hates me.

So we park at his house, and he greets us, and I can already tell within seconds of meeting him that it’s not going to work out - I could tell from his body language that he was socially awkward. And I was correct.

He had Dustin and I meet his father. Again, meeting the family? Really? Well, okay then. Huh. It was almost sadly hilarious - he seemed to be that stereotypical guy that hated technology, and talked about how “them GPS’s are gonna take over the world someday, I tell you what”. I bet he’s good friends with Hank Hill, too.

So, after assuring us once more that he could direct us to the mall, we pile into the car and head off. 

Yeah, that was dumb. After about twenty minutes and a confused look on his already dim-looking appearance, he admitted to us that he hadn’t been to the mall in over two months (even though he had previously told me that he frequented it often). So I had to search in the GPS, and luckily we found it.

The minute we enter the mall, this kid shoots off like a rocket. I turn and look around, as though I’m looking for a lost child. I’m sorry, did you REALLY just have us drive over an hour just so you could go for a little mall trip? I raised my eyebrow at Dustin, and we awkwardly followed.

Eventually Pennsyltuckeyvania noticed that we weren’t right at his heels, and he stopped as we caught up. He began to talk at me (notice the at instead of to, or with), and I could feel myself growing bored. He talked about his love of American Idol (which sent up a glaring red flag - I mean really?) as well as sports video games (Madden, ugh - I play video games and have no problem with them, but if Madden is the FIRST one you list, you have to go). I could see Dustin laughing inwardly and I wanted to sock him right in the face. 

I tried to avoid Pennsyltuckeyvania’s attention by “intently browsing”. As we hit Gamestop (which he couldn’t even find, jeez), I furrowed my brows in a pretend-stare as I would “read” the backs of games, just hoping he’d go run off and leave me alone again. But no no, that time had passed. Of COURSE. 

We eventually hit FYE. And I shit you not, when he stops me outside the store, he says “Now THIS is the place to go.” I really had to hold back a giggle, and I’m shocked that I didn’t bite my tongue off. As he went on and on for his love of Sublime, I slowly began to drift towards the TV section. And there, I swear this guy went fucking nuts. He started pulling off EVERY show, asking repeatedly “Do you like this show? Do you like this show? Do you like this show?” I thought I was going to go run into a wall in an attempt to kill myself. This kid was getting on my last nerves. (And I say kid because, even though he was only two years older than me, he acted much younger.) 

He went to go buy a ridiculously overpriced Sublime CD while I ran over to Dustin.

The conversation pretty much went like this:

Dustin: So, what’s the verdict?
Me: HELP ME. KILL ME. I DON’T CARE, GET US OUT OF HERE.
Dustin: Okay, okay. What should we do?
Me: A fake emergency. But don’t make it TOO much of a lie - your grandma was just in the hospital, use that!
Dustin: These kinds of things have a way, though…
Me: Oh, that’s just superstition. JUST GET US OUT OF HERE.
Dustin: When should I have my mom call me?
Me: 20 minutes. I don’t want it to look like we’re obviously trying to run the fuck away, but if I stay for another hour I will hang myself with my purse.

So, as I stand awkwardly in the middle of FYE while this kid keeps talking at me, and suddenly I see Dustin moving away from us, and I see that he’s on the phone. HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH.

Dustin breaks the news to us, and I have to hold in a laugh. I really almost fucking failed at it, but I was already mentally prepping myself. ‘Oh, I laugh when I’m nervous.’ We raced out of the mall, and Pennsyltuckeyvania offers to get a ride from a family member. GOOD. GET OUT OF MY FACE. Obviously you don’t understand cold body language, or that one word answers are bad. What a waste of gas money.

So Dustin and I get into his car, and I lose it right there. I start laughing, and he waits until he pulls out of his spot before he starts to lose it as well.

“Well, at least this was a good road trip, right?”

We get home safely, blah blah blah.

Now, I thought about how to approach this - do I want to be my usual nice self and have the “It’s not you, it’s me” talk? (Even though it was totally him?) Or do I want to be like a bitchy hot girl/guy and just not talk to him again?

I chose to be a bitch. 

So, I don’t hear from him for a few days, really.

On August 10th, I open up my dating site page and see this message:

“It’s Pennsyltuckeyvania. I am gonna ask the question if you still wanna talk and all. I don’t wanna waste my time on here if someone’s not gonna talk, but I think I think you’re busy today and wasn’t gonna bother you. I had a great time the other day. Still wanna hang out? You still need to show me the way to pop the thing! And we need to talk more. You’re a great person”

(When he says “You still need to show me the way to pop the thing”, he’s referring to the mint ball in the filter of the Camel Crush cigarettes - get your mind out of the gutter.)

I get ANOTHER message later that day, with the subject line “Take it or leave it”, and here’s the little line I get:

“I’m gonna ask you one more time if you still wanna talk. You’re a good person”

I then get hit with text messages, ranging from “You’re a good person” to “YOU BITCH” to “I’M DONE WITH YOU” to “I’m asking you one more time, let’s talk”. I finally know what Michael Douglas felt like in Fatal Attraction, only minus the infidelity and sex.

On the 11th, I get a message with the subject line “MY FEELINGS” and this:

“I want you to be honest with me and tell me if you’re not interested. Please don’t toy with my emotions. I text message and I’m real and no one can answer”

I’m prettyyyyyyyyyyy sure my lack of a response should tell you that I’m not interested, so don’t accuse me of toying with your emotions. These don’t even sound like coherent thoughts to me at this point.

The next day, he IMs me, and tells me that I have some “real nerve” doing this to him.

It was a two hour OUTING. I basically paid to go on a bad date with you, and you’re telling me that I have nerve? (I paid for the gas money.) We took you out for the day. Grow up.

Last night, I went to a party. I related this story to my friends, and they all died of laughter. I guess Pennsyltuckeyvania’s ears were burning, because who would I receive an IM from, but the man himself!?

“[00:48] Pennsyltuckeyvania: WTF is wrong?
[00:49] Pennsyltuckeyvania: I’m a little pissy
[00:50] Pennsyltuckeyvania: I’M FINISHED
[00:50] Pennsyltuckeyvania: yeah
[00:50] Pennsyltuckeyvania: you rejected
[00:51] Pennsyltuckeyvania: you’re ridiculous”

Oh yeah baby. I love your temper. Are you SERIOUS, you brat? Your temper isn’t going to help you look appealing to me. I was seriously ready to tell him off, and tell him that, but if he hasn’t learned that throwing temper tantrums doesn’t work at THIS age, then he’ll never learn.

So, lessons for the day, kiddies?

1. No meeting family on the first date, unless you absolutely can’t avoid it. In which case, begin to apologize after the encounter. Your family may be normal, and you may be a good person, but it sends a message that you’re really banking your hopes on the date, and THAT sends a signal of desperation.
2. Mall dates are generally a no-no after age twelve, unless you are already dating a person. But as for a first date? No way, Jose.
3. If it’s a date, don’t make it an odd number of people - either bring a friend so the third wheel has someone to talk to, or offer to set the other person up as well. Don’t be a dick, bro.
4. A bad temper is TOTALLY a turn on, for sure. Going into crazy mode? Yeah, nothing gets a girl hotter than that. AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS.
5. Don’t talk AT your date - let the other person talk, too! Not only do you appeared self-centered if your lady/man can’t get a word in, but you’re suddenly boring and you’ll hear a lot of “Uh huh”s, as well as “Yup”, “Mmhmm”, “Oh neat”, and so on and so forth.
6. Take care of the needs of your date - it makes you look like you’re considerate. Ask if he/she is thirsty/hungry, etc. etc. Never once did this kid ask me, though it probably wouldn’t have helped this date go any better - although he would have had to stop talking at some point, yes?

Oh the people that happen to find me attractive… Oh boy. 

So, before I officially launch this, I figured I’d give a big ol’ hello to any followers I may come across!

I’m pretty normal, as far as girls go. But, here’s some basics:

• I’m 20.
• I was a Fine Arts major.
• I’m a cat person, but dogs are okay too.
• I’m single.
• I’m straight.
• I’m messed up, just like everyone else.
• I’m overweight, but not as much as I used to be. In fact, I’m almost “normal”.
• I love writing.

So, here we are folks.

Here, I will write not only of my OWN bad dates, but I will give tips to single men and women, and interview people about their own bad experiences.

I hope everyone loves this site.